Sunday, August 24, 2014

What will I be remembered for??

Have you ever posed this question to yourself?  

I know I have many times over my almost 48 years on this big blue rock.  There have been times when I really feel like I know definitively who I am, or actually who I am growing to become.  I am one of those people who gets excited about trying new things.  (within reason of course because I am a mom and a scaredy cat I don't put myself into too many precarious or dangerous situations).    

At this moment as I am typing this sitting at my desk, outside my window we have several bird feeders.  There are two baby House Finches sitting in a bush just below the feeder.   The mother Finch is at the feeder picking out the best seeds. She then hops down onto the bush near the baby birds and they flap their little wings frantically, I can only guess this is to get their momma's attention so she can feed them.  They open their beaks so big and wide and very carefully and gracefully the momma bird places food into their mouths.  Now I know they are birds but do they think their momma bird plays favorites?  Do you think they worry if one gets more food than the other?   I know as a mom, my kids have often thought both of those things, even though they aren't true.  I really do love my kids all equally.   They are all different in many ways and also quite the same in several other ways.  

But, I do love them all the same!  

Seeing all the young fledgling birds in the yard lately really makes me think about how wonderful being a parent is.  It also reminds me how scary it can be at the same time. These tiny versions of their parents, trying to fly straight, eat at a feeder like their parents do and balancing precariously on a tiny branch waiting and hoping that mom and/or dad brings them some food to keep them growing and maturing so that one day they may be able to pro-create and be the one who is leading the way for their own brood.  

I too want to lead the way.  I want to be the confident momma bird who not only sustains my babies lives by feeding them and keeping them safe from predators but, I also want to be the confident momma who doesn't even flinch when my babies fly off and just barely miss hitting a window. This little bird really impressed me.  She seemed so calm, cool and collected.  I aspire to be that kind of mom.   Although at this moment I am so very far away from being even remotely un-anxious about life and the world outside of our protective nest.  

Becoming a grandparent doesn't make anything easier, it actually increases the anxiety.  We want our kids to have a better life than we had and protect them from the mistakes we made as young people.  We want things to be easier for them.  But why doesn't it seem like it is??   To me, as my kids get older I feel as if I have more to worry about.  Like that momma bird, she has to let her babies leave the nest and fly on their own.  Eventually she stops feeding them and they are left to fend for themselves.  If they cannot learn to find food and water they eventually will cease to exist.  

That is the part that makes me so scared and causes me the most anxiety!  What if I haven't taught them enough to survive?  
What prompts us to all of a sudden just question the thing we have been doing for so many years?    

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