Wednesday, September 10, 2014

To blog or not to blog?

That is the ultimate question isn't it?  

But another good question is, why do I blog? 

That one I think should be a bit easier to answer, but somehow it isn't.  Weird right?    

I started this blog to:
-Get better at writing.
-To share experiences with others who just might be able to relate.
-To get stuff out of my head that sometimes keeps me up at night.
-To have fun.

I then started many Blog post "drafts" with different categories and topics that I might be able to expand upon, although every time I started to write about one I would get blocked and to critical over things like: 
- Will anyone relate?
- Does this sound stupid?
- What if nobody likes it or me for that matter?

I try to be so bad ass on the outside like it doesn't matter to me if anyone likes me.  But don't we all want someone to like us?   I want to "fit in" just as much as anyone else.  

The risk of being judged and treated badly is huge yet I want to put myself out there, I just don't want to be told I am not good enough!  That scares the shit out of me!!   Being told I am just not good enough is just awful in my opinion and I have enough trouble getting out of my own head without others crawling up in there to berate me and tell me I suck at something I just really want to learn to do.   

I am not perfect and I know I will most likely piss some people off in the process.  But as the old saying goes, "To thine own self be true".   I must be true to myself.   
If people hate it they don't have to read or follow my blog.   But if they do like something I have to say then I could accomplish something I have always lived for and that is to help someone not feel alone and that there is someone out there who "gets it".   

My punctuation won't be perfect, hell it is probably horrific.  But if I can get my thoughts out maybe then I won't be so anxious.   Who knows, I could learn something as well in the process.  

Sunday, August 24, 2014

What will I be remembered for??

Have you ever posed this question to yourself?  

I know I have many times over my almost 48 years on this big blue rock.  There have been times when I really feel like I know definitively who I am, or actually who I am growing to become.  I am one of those people who gets excited about trying new things.  (within reason of course because I am a mom and a scaredy cat I don't put myself into too many precarious or dangerous situations).    

At this moment as I am typing this sitting at my desk, outside my window we have several bird feeders.  There are two baby House Finches sitting in a bush just below the feeder.   The mother Finch is at the feeder picking out the best seeds. She then hops down onto the bush near the baby birds and they flap their little wings frantically, I can only guess this is to get their momma's attention so she can feed them.  They open their beaks so big and wide and very carefully and gracefully the momma bird places food into their mouths.  Now I know they are birds but do they think their momma bird plays favorites?  Do you think they worry if one gets more food than the other?   I know as a mom, my kids have often thought both of those things, even though they aren't true.  I really do love my kids all equally.   They are all different in many ways and also quite the same in several other ways.  

But, I do love them all the same!  

Seeing all the young fledgling birds in the yard lately really makes me think about how wonderful being a parent is.  It also reminds me how scary it can be at the same time. These tiny versions of their parents, trying to fly straight, eat at a feeder like their parents do and balancing precariously on a tiny branch waiting and hoping that mom and/or dad brings them some food to keep them growing and maturing so that one day they may be able to pro-create and be the one who is leading the way for their own brood.  

I too want to lead the way.  I want to be the confident momma bird who not only sustains my babies lives by feeding them and keeping them safe from predators but, I also want to be the confident momma who doesn't even flinch when my babies fly off and just barely miss hitting a window. This little bird really impressed me.  She seemed so calm, cool and collected.  I aspire to be that kind of mom.   Although at this moment I am so very far away from being even remotely un-anxious about life and the world outside of our protective nest.  

Becoming a grandparent doesn't make anything easier, it actually increases the anxiety.  We want our kids to have a better life than we had and protect them from the mistakes we made as young people.  We want things to be easier for them.  But why doesn't it seem like it is??   To me, as my kids get older I feel as if I have more to worry about.  Like that momma bird, she has to let her babies leave the nest and fly on their own.  Eventually she stops feeding them and they are left to fend for themselves.  If they cannot learn to find food and water they eventually will cease to exist.  

That is the part that makes me so scared and causes me the most anxiety!  What if I haven't taught them enough to survive?  
What prompts us to all of a sudden just question the thing we have been doing for so many years?    

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

How do all you bloggers/writers who are parents do it??

When I started this blog I also started a fun Facebook page to promote the blog and hopefully get more people to visit here.  It was my hope that someone or a bunch of someone's would find something I wrote interesting, fun, witty or even educational.  

 I didn't realize how much work keeping things alive on Facebook would be.  Trying to entertain an audience of people who have, 1. been doing this a whole lot longer than I have, 2. Have way more of a following than I, and 3. Obviously better organized than I am because they always seem to have something new and fresh to post and I am over here just trying to keep up. 

 It is overwhelming and I applaud those women (and men) who are stay at home parents of kids younger than mine, some work a job outside their home as well and still find time to post and blog.   I do not know how you all do it!!  You amaze me.   You all still have time to "pimp" other peoples pages and share pages.  For me that seems to take a long time.  It could be that I just don't know how to manage my time or able to multi task quite as good as I thought I could!!   How do you do it?   

I wish someone would share their secret with me because I just can't seem to move past a certain number of "likes", and I don't seem to get any comments here either.  Now I must say this,  I am not ungrateful at all for those who do read my blog and comment on my FB page, I have just noticed in the past few weeks that life has just really gotten so busy that the only way I was going to get any time to write was if I woke up in the middle of the night and lost out on the precious few hours of sleep I get each night.  

   I don't even know if anyone will ever read this but I had to say just how impressed and envious I am of those of you who do so much and still find time to blog, manage a Facebook page, raise families, work jobs and all the other things you do!  

I raise my glass to you all, and I hope one day to be able to be just 1/10th the blogger/ writer you all are!!   

Friday, August 1, 2014

Do I have a case of writers block??

Or, am I just not doing it right?   

I ask this question because, although my lovely family gives me so much material to write about, I often question whether blog readers or anyone else for that matter really gives a rip about what my family is doing.   

I second guess myself and sit staring absently out the window.   I begin to ask myself, "do other writes have this problem?"   "Does anyone else have trouble keeping track of all the things they want to write about throughout the day?"   

For instance, it always seems that when I have something I find informative, funny or even educational as I go about my day I am just never near my computer.  Not only that but really funny stuff happens in the car of course I am driving and can't write it down or make a note in my phone.  Sometimes I have my hubby take notes on his phone and he will email it to me.   Of course by the time I get to it I had forgotten what context the whole thing happened in and I don't end up writing about it because......I don't want to look like a complete idiot.   


Most days I feel as if I am being pulled in so many different directions.  My mind races faster than my hands can type.   One thought or idea melds with another and then I am totally stumped and can't for the life of me put the brakes on all the swirling thoughts swimming through my brain matter.  

Maybe I have dyed my hair too many times in my life and I just can't focus, or maybe I have developed late onset ADHD and that is my focus issue.   
Perhaps it is just because I am a mom and have so much information in my brain at any given time about everyone and everything that I just can't find my focus anymore.    

No matter what it is I am finding that I really need to work on being more "mindful".   
Being mindful is a great way to retrain the brain to let go of the noise that often fills up our brains.   I had done this before and it did seem to help especially with anxiety.  

Being a control freak/worrier has given me plenty of anxiety for sure!  So I learned how to be mindful.   

(I guess I just haven't been practicing it enough lately, note to self...get back to being mindful).   

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Being part of a family means we support one another no matter what!

While it is true that everyone has a different idea about what family means to them.   Some are more close knit, some are spread out over many states or even countries.   

As for my family, the one I grew up with as a child, meant family members all over.  Some I keep in touch with and others I haven't talked to in decades.  My immediate family, and by that I mean my husband, children and granddaughter are all very close knit.  We look out for one another.  If one of us hurts, we all hurt.  When one is sad we rally around that one and do our best to make them smile and show them the silver lining in whatever the situation happens to be.   

Right now we are rallying around our oldest daughter and granddaughter. 

Why, you ask?  

Well because unfortunately some people mature faster than others.  Her and I have had our issues in the past and in my opinion, it is the past and it is over.   The only thing we can do is move forward in a positive light.  She has definitely matured faster than we could have ever hoped for, and unfortunately her boyfriend (baby's dad) isn't growing at the same rate.   

She has done everything she could possibly do to keep things afloat in an often tumultuous relationship.  A relationship that started when they were both 15 yrs old.   Although it lasted but a year and then was reinvigorated again about 18 months ago.  They have never really been on the same level.   Now, I am not putting him down but, when you have a child together with someone there has to be big changes made to the way you live your life.   

You now have another human being who is completely and utterly dependent on you both to support, encourage, feed, wash, dress and teach the important things in life.   You have to work harder, lose sleep, miss meals or eat them cold.  Baby comes first in most relationships right?    

Well not in this boy's eyes.  I had the mom radar go off shortly after she was born when he couldn't take a day off to drive her and their baby home from the hospital.   It isn't easy to sit by and not say something when you see your child giving and giving and getting nothing back in return.  All I could do was be supportive and encouraging.   Trying to include a boy who caused our family so much strife and emotional pain when they were both 15.   We pushed all the negativity aside and just moved on because of our daughter.   She is our family and we don't duck out on our family.  Even when we don't like the choices they make, we don't quit on them.   We patiently wait until their blinders are off and they see the real picture.  

Reality for her lately has been a very crappy apartment, filled with bugs and mice that she has really worked her ass off to keep under control.  All while taking care of the cooking (if they had enough money to buy food), cleaning (if she even had the energy), taking care of a newborn who after 4 weeks ended up in the hospital for a week with a stomach virus.   All of this while he had money for cigarettes, energy drinks and oh, and he is underage!!   He couldn't understand the depth of her exhaustion.  He didn't understand when he gave her an ultimatum for her to choose him or his family, she chose her family.   He didn't understand that keeping her away from her family would only draw her closer to her family and further away from him.  We had to learn this when she was 15 and we knew if we forbade her seeing him, that it only pushed her towards him more.

Because of his not understanding, he lost an amazing young woman.  She is a great mom, she has grown up so much and matured quickly.   Taking to parenthood so naturally.   Like every mom she feels as if she is never doing enough for her baby.  Even though she is doing everything and then some extra despite her lack of sleep.    

Sunday was the turning point for her.  She found out he had been saving money on the side and didn't think she needed to know about it.  All while she had no money for gas to go anywhere, there was no food in the house and she was hungry, but he had his cigarettes and energy drinks, neither of which are cheap.  Then he tells her she isn't doing enough!!  Here is where I get pissed off, because you do not tell a new mom who hasn't eaten well and has sleep deprivation that she isn't doing enough.   Telling her that cut right through her heart.  

The title of this post says it all......we are family, we stick by one another when one is weak we help them along.  When one is hungry we share our food.  When one is sick we nurse them back to health.   FAMILY!!  We are there for each other no matter what the circumstance.  It is just who we are!!    I know not all families are this way but ours is and I don't think ours is better than any other family, it just is how we do things.   

Well the sun is up and I am sure I have babbled enough.  Sorry if this post kind of goes all over the place but, I tried to let it flow and develop on it's own.   
I had best get moving since today is a new day and we have lots to accomplish.  I have all of my kids under one roof again along with my beautiful granddaughter.

  Our family is strong....we will bend and flow with the changes that have been made.   We will grow in strength and wisdom.  

We are a family!!  

Food for thought

Not everything in my life revolves around my kids.   I know, shocking right?   

I have issues with food.  

There I said it!!  Now it is out in the open for all to read.  *sigh* 

I have struggled my whole life with being overweight, nay let's just come out and say it...FAT!!   Yep I am fat.   Get all the fat jokes out of the way.....

(everyone done with the fat jokes?  Okay lets move on then. )

Okay, so I hate dieting, I hate counting calories, I hate restrictions on the things I love, and I hate being made fun of because of my weight, or taken less serious because of my size.  I also realize and am sympathetic to those who are on the opposite side who have trouble gaining weight.   

Since I have been together with my husband I think we have completely revamped our way of eating at least 10 times in the past 5 years!!  That is quite a bit of change.  We were Vegan for a few weeks, and we were even vegetarians for 1 full year.   I have done Gluten Free, Weight Watchers and Low Carb.   I even had times when I said "fuck it" I am just eating whatever the hell I want.    Which that phase never ends well.  I end up feeling way worse than I ever did before.  

So why am I posting about my weight and my love of food?   Well because it is part of who I am.   It is part of my story, my life, and the way I interact with others.   Food seems to be the center of lots of social activity!!   We celebrate with food...for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, summertime bbq's, and everything in between.  

At one point not too very long ago I considered writing a cookbook.  My husband and many friends have told me that I make great food.   So, I started writing down recipes and because I am such a foodie...I took pictures of my meals.   

YES, I am one of those people who posts their meals on Facebook frequently!!   Annoying to most but many of the people I am friends with on FB appreciate and ask for recipes.   

My place in the sun

Since I have moved my desk to the "sunroom" out from the darkened corner of the living room it was previously in.  I love the view I have of the bird feeders in the backyard, and the flower gardens.  Even the view of the pool is nice because I can keep an eye on the kids so that they do not drown one another when hormones spike or the boy pisses off mini me.   I even love that my husband gave up his amazing office chair that is so damn comfy and it has a massage thingy on it that is heavenly on my damaged shoulder blade.    

But, the sun is freaking HOT right here by the windows.   I think I might actually be getting a tan just typing this.   I am sweating and everything.   

Note to at your desk after the sun has come up over the house.  It's like a sauna in here!   I had best hydrate!!