What will I be remembered for??

Have you ever posed this question to yourself?  

I know I have many times over my almost 48 years on this big blue rock.  There have been times when I really feel like I know definitively who I am, or actually who I am growing to become.  I am one of those people who gets excited about trying new things.  (within reason of course because I am a mom and a scaredy cat I don't put myself into too many precarious or dangerous situations).    

At this moment as I am typing this sitting at my desk, outside my window we have several bird feeders.  There are two baby House Finches sitting in a bush just below the feeder.   The mother Finch is at the feeder picking out the best seeds. She then hops down onto the bush near the baby birds and they flap their little wings frantically, I can only guess this is to get their momma's attention so she can feed them.  They open their beaks so big and wide and very carefully and gracefully the momma bird places food into their mouths.  Now I know they are birds but do they think their momma bird plays favorites?  Do you think they worry if one gets more food than the other?   I know as a mom, my kids have often thought both of those things, even though they aren't true.  I really do love my kids all equally.   They are all different in many ways and also quite the same in several other ways.  

But, I do love them all the same!  

Seeing all the young fledgling birds in the yard lately really makes me think about how wonderful being a parent is.  It also reminds me how scary it can be at the same time. These tiny versions of their parents, trying to fly straight, eat at a feeder like their parents do and balancing precariously on a tiny branch waiting and hoping that mom and/or dad brings them some food to keep them growing and maturing so that one day they may be able to pro-create and be the one who is leading the way for their own brood.  

I too want to lead the way.  I want to be the confident momma bird who not only sustains my babies lives by feeding them and keeping them safe from predators but, I also want to be the confident momma who doesn't even flinch when my babies fly off and just barely miss hitting a window. This little bird really impressed me.  She seemed so calm, cool and collected.  I aspire to be that kind of mom.   Although at this moment I am so very far away from being even remotely un-anxious about life and the world outside of our protective nest.  

Becoming a grandparent doesn't make anything easier, it actually increases the anxiety.  We want our kids to have a better life than we had and protect them from the mistakes we made as young people.  We want things to be easier for them.  But why doesn't it seem like it is??   To me, as my kids get older I feel as if I have more to worry about.  Like that momma bird, she has to let her babies leave the nest and fly on their own.  Eventually she stops feeding them and they are left to fend for themselves.  If they cannot learn to find food and water they eventually will cease to exist.  

That is the part that makes me so scared and causes me the most anxiety!  What if I haven't taught them enough to survive?  
What prompts us to all of a sudden just question the thing we have been doing for so many years?    

How do all you bloggers/writers who are parents do it??

When I started this blog I also started a fun Facebook page to promote the blog and hopefully get more people to visit here.  It was my hope that someone or a bunch of someone's would find something I wrote interesting, fun, witty or even educational.  

 I didn't realize how much work keeping things alive on Facebook would be.  Trying to entertain an audience of people who have, 1. been doing this a whole lot longer than I have, 2. Have way more of a following than I, and 3. Obviously better organized than I am because they always seem to have something new and fresh to post and I am over here just trying to keep up. 

 It is overwhelming and I applaud those women (and men) who are stay at home parents of kids younger than mine, some work a job outside their home as well and still find time to post and blog.   I do not know how you all do it!!  You amaze me.   You all still have time to "pimp" other peoples pages and share pages.  For me that seems to take a long time.  It could be that I just don't know how to manage my time or able to multi task quite as good as I thought I could!!   How do you do it?   

I wish someone would share their secret with me because I just can't seem to move past a certain number of "likes", and I don't seem to get any comments here either.  Now I must say this,  I am not ungrateful at all for those who do read my blog and comment on my FB page, I have just noticed in the past few weeks that life has just really gotten so busy that the only way I was going to get any time to write was if I woke up in the middle of the night and lost out on the precious few hours of sleep I get each night.  

   I don't even know if anyone will ever read this but I had to say just how impressed and envious I am of those of you who do so much and still find time to blog, manage a Facebook page, raise families, work jobs and all the other things you do!  

I raise my glass to you all, and I hope one day to be able to be just 1/10th the blogger/ writer you all are!!   

Do I have a case of writers block??

Or, am I just not doing it right?   

I ask this question because, although my lovely family gives me so much material to write about, I often question whether blog readers or anyone else for that matter really gives a rip about what my family is doing.   

I second guess myself and sit staring absently out the window.   I begin to ask myself, "do other writes have this problem?"   "Does anyone else have trouble keeping track of all the things they want to write about throughout the day?"   

For instance, it always seems that when I have something I find informative, funny or even educational as I go about my day I am just never near my computer.  Not only that but really funny stuff happens in the car of course I am driving and can't write it down or make a note in my phone.  Sometimes I have my hubby take notes on his phone and he will email it to me.   Of course by the time I get to it I had forgotten what context the whole thing happened in and I don't end up writing about it because......I don't want to look like a complete idiot.   

*SIGH*

Most days I feel as if I am being pulled in so many different directions.  My mind races faster than my hands can type.   One thought or idea melds with another and then I am totally stumped and can't for the life of me put the brakes on all the swirling thoughts swimming through my brain matter.  

Maybe I have dyed my hair too many times in my life and I just can't focus, or maybe I have developed late onset ADHD and that is my focus issue.   
Perhaps it is just because I am a mom and have so much information in my brain at any given time about everyone and everything that I just can't find my focus anymore.    

No matter what it is I am finding that I really need to work on being more "mindful".   
Being mindful is a great way to retrain the brain to let go of the noise that often fills up our brains.   I had done this before and it did seem to help especially with anxiety.  

Being a control freak/worrier has given me plenty of anxiety for sure!  So I learned how to be mindful.   

(I guess I just haven't been practicing it enough lately, note to self...get back to being mindful).